Behaviors to Help Soften Your Image

Dear Cara,

As a wardrobe consultant, I'm working with a client who is desperate to soften her image. I can help with clothing and hair, but it looks like some behavioral changes are also in order.

She is a lawyer who's been told she comes across as very aggressive. Although this perception can be helpful in the courtroom, she is sure that it is costing her a great deal when it comes to building relationships with clients, colleagues, and friends outside of work. Unlike so many women I work with, she seems to show TOO much confidence. Any advice I can pass on? - Carol F.

Hi Carol,

The problem you describe is quite common. Like a pendulum swing, many women fear being seen as lightweight so they unconsciously develop a style that leans too far toward authority or strength. For women in leadership roles, however, it's vital to balance authority with approachability.

From the inside it can be hard to identify which behaviors may sending the wrong messages, so I suggest she capture a few minutes of herself on-camera, either in her office or living room.

While everyone has their own unique style, after leading thousands of on-camera coaching workshops, I've seen very consistent patterns emerge. If the participant has been told he or she is perceived as too aggressive, stern, or unapproachable, the problem is often one or more of the following:

• Emphatic gesturing
• Lack of vocal variety
• Over articulation or "punching" of words
• Lack of facial animation (poker face or fake smile)
• Lack of eye contact (or strong eye contact with no facial animation)

If any of these behaviors are derailing your client's image, here's some advice you can pass along:

• Avoid gestures that chop downward. Instead, literally reach out to your listener. Use open palmed, back and forth movements (as if to say "this is between you and me").
• Work toward demonstrating more vocal expression. Extend your pitch range. Avoid punching words too sharply. Create a smoother melody with your voice. You don't need to sound like a kindergarten teacher, but do note that when we talk to children we automatically speak in a more melodic, non-threatening tone.
• Make sure to keep your face relaxed and interactive. While a locked-in smile is not a good idea, it doesn't hurt to demonstrate that you are friendly every now and then by smiling, raising your eyebrows, or nodding.
• Finally, be sure to hold eye contact with the person you are speaking with. (Studies show that people who are perceived as aggressive often hold eye contact longer when they are speaking and shorter when they are listening.) However, when listening or speaking, be sure to keep your face active -- avoid the appearance of a "cold, hard stare" by changing expressions every now and then.

The bottom line is that the more interactive your body language, voice, and eye contact, the more approachable you will appear.

Good luck! - Cara